Where’s the entertainment in Greek mythology without half-god, half-human demigods running around with superpowers, blowing up bad guys, saving the world of evil monsters, and occasionally—er, I mean, frequently—pissing off immortal gods? Exactly! There’s no point! People live for the tragic stories of demigods who get eaten by multi-million fanged monsters…or at least, I do. There are dozens of famous Greek heroes, or demigods, that completed irksome, dangerous, and commendable tasks that earned them fame. We’re not talking about Bill Nye famous (as cool as he is). We’re talking White House famous—Obama famous. And that’s why I’m here: to honor their brave deeds that earned them a story to pass on for years and years.
If you went up to some stranger and asked him who Hercules was, chances are they’ll know. That’s because Hercules is the most famous of all demigods, son of Zeus, who was born with incredible strength—kind of like that guy in The Incredibles. In Greek, Hercules was actually known as “Heracles”, but since he’s better known “Hercules”, I’ll refer to hin as that. Hercules, as a toddler, illustrated his brute strength. When a snake slithered into his cradle, he happily wrestled with it and killed it with supreme confidence. When Hercules grew up, he married the Princess Megara, and had three children with her. Naturally, Hera freaked out of her godly mind: “Hera, Zeus’s jealous wife, [could not] forgive her husband for having had Hercules as an illicit son, so she [sent] Hercules into insanity” (Hercules Summary). One night, Hercules went mad and killed his three sons. When he recovered only to find what he had done, he almost committed suicide, but Theseus, another Greek hero, convinces him to live on (see, this is why everybody hates Hera, but don’t tell her I said that). Hera claimed that “madness was not an excuse for the carnage—not even madness sent by the gods—so Hercules had to make amends” (Hercules’s Madness). In order to cleanse himself, Hercules visits the Oracle of Delphi, who sends him to Eurystheus, king of Argos, who was in charge of assigning all twelve of Hercules’s labors. Both Hercules and Eurystheus were the great grandsons of the famous hero Perseus, but only Hercules really lives up to his great grandpop’s name, since wimpy Eurystheus has a tendency to hide in big jars when Hercules shows up with scary half-invincible boars. Oh, Eurystheus.
Eurystheus puts Hercules up to a series of near-impossible challenges. However, Hercules completed “all twelve of his labors: killing the lion of Nemea, killing a creature with nine heads called the Hydra, capturing a stag with horns of gold, killing a boar, cleaning the thousands of Aegean stables in one day, exiling the Stymphalian birds, going to Crete and retrieving the beautiful savage bull that Poseidon gave Minos, retrieving the man-eating mares, bringing back the girdle of Hippolyta, returning the back of the cattle of Geryon (a monster with three bodies), bringing back the Golden Apples of Hesperides…” (Hercules Summary). In case you couldn’t do math, that was eleven labors. Finally, the twelfth labor brought Hercules to the Underworld, to capture Cerberus, Hades’s three-headed monster dog. Hercules calmly walked into the Underworld, beat the ferryman Charon until he let him across the River Styx, walked into Hades’s palace, beat the living daylights out of Hades until he ran away with his tail between his legs, captured Cerberus with his bare hands, beat Charon some more for the heck of it, and walked out of the Underworld. With all due respect, Hades, you got wrecked by a mortal. Shame.
Achilles was the son of the mortal Peleus, king of the Myrmidons, and the Nereid, or sea nymph, Thetis. Achilles was the bravest and greatest warrior of the army of Agamemnon in the Trojan War. According to Homer, Achilles was brought up by his mother at Phthia with his cousin and inseparable companion Patroclus. One of the non-Homeric tales of his childhood relates that “Thetis dipped Achilles in the waters of the River Styx, by which means he became invulnerable, except for the part of his heel by which she held him—the proverbial ‘Achilles’ heel'” (Achilles | Greek mythology). Achilles refused further service of the army in the Trojan War when he was deprived of his favorite slave, Briseis. Consequently, the Greeks “floundered so badly that at last Achilles allowed Patroclus to impersonate him, lending him his chariot and armour. Hector (the eldest son of King Priam of Troy) slew Patroclus, and Achilles, having finally reconciled with Agamemnon, obtained new armour from the god Hephaestus and slew Hector” (Achilles | Greek mythology). Achilles then went on a joy ride on his chariot while dragging Hector’s dead body behind him, which I’m sure was as thrilling Six Flags coasters.
Odysseus was a warrior in the Trojan War, known for his intelligence and trickery. He sailed away from his home Ithaca and his duty as its king. During the Trojan War, Odysseus partnered with Achilles. When Achilles died of a wounded heel, Odysseus knew that the only way to defeat the Trojans was through trickery: “Still seeking to gain entrance into Troy, clever Odysseus ordered a large wooden horse to be built. Its insides were to be hollow so that soldiers could hide within it. Once the statue had been built by the artist Epeius, a number of the Greek warriors, along with Odysseus, climbed inside. The rest of the Greek fleet sailed away, so as to deceive the Trojans. One man, Sinon, was left behind. When the Trojans came to marvel at the huge creation, Sinon pretended to be angry with the Greeks, stating that they had deserted him. He assured the Trojans that the wooden horse was safe and would bring luck to the Trojans…The Trojans celebrated what they thought was their victory, and dragged the wooden horse into Troy. That night, after most of Troy was asleep or in a drunken stupor, Sinon let the Greek warriors out from the horse, and they slaughtered the Trojans” (History of Trojan War). As Odysseus was sailing home, he gets busted by Poseidon, who developed an extreme hater’s-gonna-hate relationship with Odysseus. As a result, Odysseus must deal with a crazy Cyclops, a drug dealer who sells Lotus flowers, a ride on a tornado to Circe’s island, who turns his men into pigs, the Sirens, Scylla and Charybdis, and the temptation of eating Helios’s very delicious cows. Being the only survivor, Odysseus winds up on Calypso’s island, where he is held as a captive for seven years. When Odysseus finally comes home thanks to a nice king, he isn’t welcomed warmly; instead, he’s looking at a hundred suitors who want his wife Penelope. Athena comes down and disguises Odysseus into a beggar, and Odysseus begins sorting his servants between naughty and nice. He reveals himself to his son Telemachos. At this point, Penelope is ready to take action. She holds a contest involving Odysseus’s bow, and naturally, Odysseus wins. Odysseus then reveals himself, explains that they’re getting coal for Christmas, and kills them all in a bloody slaughter. The end, right? Wrong. Now he has to deal with all the angry moms and pops for killing all the young Noblemen of Ithaca. Just before things get bad, Athena comes down from Olympus and says, “Estamos amigos, si?” Then everybody is like, “Yes, Ms. Athena.” The end, for real.
Works Cited
“Hercules Summary.” Hercules. N.p., n.d. Web. 28 March 2015. <http://www.gradesaver.com/mythology/study-guide/summary-hercules-atalanta>
“Hercules’s Madness.” Hercules. N.p. n.d. Web. 30 March 2015. <http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/hercules/a/HerculesMadness.htm\>
“Achilles | Greek mythology.” Encyclopedia Britannica Online. Encyclopedia Britannica, n.d. Web. 31 March 2015. <http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/3581/Achilles>
“History of Trojan War.” History of Trojan War. N.p., n.d. Web. 31 March 2015. <https://web.stanford.edu/~plomio/history.html>
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